On one of my frequent Wikipedia sidetracks, I stumbled across a link to the official biography of Kim Jong-Il, North Korea’s Chairman of the National Defense Commission, Supreme Commander of the Korean People’s Army, General Secretary of the Workers’ Party of Korea and Grand Poobah of the Loyal Order of Water Buffaloes:
From his childhood, Comrade Kim Jong Il was extraordinarily clever and wise.
From his early years, Comrade Kim Jong Il possessed the power of keen observation, the power of clear analysis and extraordinary perspicacity with regard to things and phenomena. He had a faculty for creative thinking, regarding every problem with an innovative eye.
Courageous and ambitious, Comrade Kim Jong-Il did everything in a big way; he had a strong and daring character which enabled him to carry any difficult task to completion with his own efforts, once he had started it.
Possessed of warm human love and broadmindedness, he was always generous, unceremonious and warm-hearted among people.
But wait, it gets better. So much better. On his right to rule:
For the immortal exploits he scored for the revolution and construction in Korea, Comrade Kim Jong Il has enjoyed absolute authority as the leader of the revolution and boundless trust and respect of the Korean people.
On North Korea’s nuclear negotiations with the international community:
Comrade Kim Jong-Il wisely led the struggle for smashing the vicious and persistent racket on the “nuclear issue” the US imperialists and the allied forces of imperialists had raised to frustrate Korea, a bulwark of socialism.
[…] To counter the aggressive manoeuvres of the US imperialists Comrade Kim Jong Il took decisive measures. He proclaimed a state of semi-war for the whole country, the whole people and the whole army on March 8, 1993; he ensured that the withdrawal from the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty was declared […]. These self-defensive measures caused a great sensation throughout the world and compelled the US imperialists to come to the table with the DPRK.
And on it goes. For 160 pages. Like all good book reviewers, I won’t spoil the ending for you, but it’s probably safe to tell you that the unbridled, nigh-orgasmic praise only intensifies. No mention though of his famous vanity, permed hair, height-increasing platform shoes or penchant for foreign liquor. Which is a shame, because I was looking forward to that bit. Also nothing about his counterfeit cigarettes and cash, or his co-starring role in Team America: World Police.
Incidentally, North Korea’s website also has a nifty gift shop, hosted by Cafepress, where you can buy a t-shirt to show your support for the socialist bulwark. This little number on the right is appropriately named “propaganda model 1,” and makes a great replacement for that ratty old Che t-shirt you still insist on dragging around.
Image via Pensito Review.